I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
You Might Also Like
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”