therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
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your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Oh we’ve met.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.