They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
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I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Europe. Made in Germany.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?