Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
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[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”