My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
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*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…