My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
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ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner