It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
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“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
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[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
buys donuts instead
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.