[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
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no one likes gloating
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy