We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
You Might Also Like
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
🤣😂
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop