Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
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Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
kids play hide and seek like
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.