No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
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“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
mom gave me mine for free
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
work smarter, not harder
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what