*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
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My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.