Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
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I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
These aliens are taking forever.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I think long & hard before using innuendo.