Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
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we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I mean…but I did
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.