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Cat is stressing him out.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high