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“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
oppen heimer style lol
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
No, he would not have.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no