Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
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I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
They must have gotten it to go.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Me irl
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.