I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
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Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years