Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
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I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Have you ever been so hungry youāve eaten fruit
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: Thatās just ridiculous.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now thereās a line for it.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: āApply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.ā
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: š¶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: š¶Hi HOOOOOO
I saw a bumper sticker that said āretired AFā
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
how are we still getting a new year? we couldnāt even take care of the last one
Pro tip: donāt bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparentās house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
having children is great because just when youāre on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
ššš„°šš
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Leave Twitter just because itās lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, Iām a public school teacher š
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Gonna start saying āthatās what they want you to believeā whenever anyone disagrees with me