Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
You Might Also Like
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Spring of Deception
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.