i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
You Might Also Like
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Peace was never an option
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
*puts words between two asterisks*
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.