I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
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If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
The internet is magic sometimes.