5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
You Might Also Like
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.