Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
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Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic