Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
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She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.