Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
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Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.