*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
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My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Proofread twice, hang posters once
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have