If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
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“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.