Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
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“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
who will stop them