Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
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[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
It’s an epidemic…
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
The internet is magic sometimes.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”