You look like you would fail a DNA test
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me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*