Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
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ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie