I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
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Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”