My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
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My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Cha-ching is my safe word
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.