“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
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Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how