[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
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GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Me irl
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.