In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
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Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”