Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
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I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob