Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
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It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
New mindset, who dis?
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter