An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
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These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
meow
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”