This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
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Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets