the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
You Might Also Like
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
happy mother’s day❤️
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*