My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
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(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly