Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
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If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s