I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Awesome parenting 😂
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?