*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
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[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”