Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
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The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.