Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
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I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
yeah no that’s fair
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat