Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
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My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
This makes total sense…
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I unironically love this joke.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon