Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
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Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill